1. Practice
Effective Communication Skills
There
are many ways to develop effective communication in your relationship. One of
them is to be present with your partner, which includes temporarily setting things
aside in order to give them your full attention. Put your cell phone away, take
your eyes off of your computer and turn off that T.V. Active listening isn’t about you, so hear your
partner out. Focusing on them includes making eye contact while they are
talking to you. It’s also good to remember that they may just need to vent
about something and don’t always need your advice or opinion. Being heard and
feeling as though your partner is interested in what you are saying is
important, so try not to think about what you want to say next and let them
speak their mind. Another thing to remember is to practice empathy. Put
yourself in their shoes and try to feel how they are feeling. This can help how
you figure out a way to react to them and what they’re saying. How would you
want someone to react to you? Reflecting back to them what you heard them say
is a good way to show that you are listening. This way, if you get the message
wrong they can correct you right away. Finally, practice mindfulness and focus
on what is going on right now – not what happened last week or what is going to
happen in the future.
2.
Maintain Eye Contact
As
mentioned above, eye contact shows your partner that they have your full
attention. It also shows trust, respect, vulnerability, and openness, and
increases the likelihood that your partner will feel understood. For these reasons, eye contact can lead to
deeper intimacy between two people. Remember when you first started dating? You
could hardly keep your eyes off of each other! When did that change and why?
3.
Show Physical Affection
Physical
affection does not have to be sexual. It can be as simple as holding hands,
cuddling, hugging or kissing. These kinds of physical affection increase the
amount of the love hormone “oxytocin” that our bodies produce. This is the
hormone that gives us all the good feels! Instead of relying on words alone,
show your partner how you feel with actions. Sometimes showing physical
affection can be a meaningful way to share how you feel with your partner,
rather than just a way to get your partner to have sex with you. Don’t be shy
and use your touch!
4.
Be Emotionally Available
It
may seem like this is an easy thing to do, but many people find it difficult to
share details of their lives with others, even with those closest to them. They
may worry that they will be judged, or believe that their thoughts aren’t valid
or valued. But when we aren’t emotionally available to our partner and don’t
share intimate details with them, they may begin to feel as though they are
undervalued, underappreciated, or untrustworthy. So go ahead and tell them
about what’s going on at work, or with your family and friends. Let them know
about your feelings, thoughts, dreams, interests and what you are passionate
about. Reveal your personal wants too, like those that come from deep down
where you feel most vulnerable. This will show your partner that you trust them
to accept the person that you are, and should help increase that intimate
connection.
5.
Accept Your Partner
Becoming
emotionally available to your partner has the added bonus of allowing them to
become emotionally available to you. Tell your partner those embarrassing
stories that you can now laugh at and share those irrational thoughts that come
creeping in. We all have them! Your partner needs to feel confident that you
will accept their quirks, insecurities, embarrassments, and desires, and not
disregard how they feel or what they’re thinking. Be each other’s best friend, be open-minded,
and talk about the things that move you.
6.
Share Your Happy Feelings Too!
Tell
your partner how they make you feel. What do they do that gives you all those
good feelings? Why is your life better with them in it? What are you grateful
for? Tell them how they are appreciated, valued and most importantly loved.
7.
Be Supportive
You
can show support in physical and emotional ways – sharing, listening, touching,
holding each other, hugging, kissing, etc. You can give support by sharing advice,
opinions, and experiences (just be careful not to tell your partner what to do!).
In doing so you can give your partner necessary self-esteem boosts and build up
their confidence. It is all about balance. Let your partner know what kind of
support you need and how much you need it, but listen to them when they share
with you about the support you give and how you can improve in order to best
help them.
8.
Trust
Trust
is an important aspect of intimacy. Supporting yourself and being mindful of
your feelings will give you confidence when you are with your partner and when
you are alone, allowing you to trust them. Be dependable for your partner, come
through on the promises you make, be honest and be open – this will allow them
to trust you. Do what you say and say what you mean! When there is trust, the
walls you have built will come down and the fears and worries you have will
begin to fade away. Trust helps intimacy to grow and to be maintained.
9. Laugh!
Boost
your mood and boost your relationship! Be silly, tease, have fun and make each
other laugh. Laughing doesn’t just show that we think something is funny; it is
also a way to connect with others. Have you ever caught yourself mimicking the gestures
or facial expressions of someone you are talking to? Have you ever caught
yourself joining in on someone else’s laughter? I bet you do it more often than
you think! Laughing makes us feel good and it’s contagious, so share lots of laughs
with your partner.
10.
Find Common Interests and Do Them Together
What
kind of interests do you and your partner have in common? Is there something
you’ve been meaning to get out and do together? Why not share in more experiences
together? Engaging in activities together and giving yourselves a shared
history (maybe even one to laugh about!) will increase your closeness.
11.
Go To Bed Together
Remember
how exciting pillow talk was in the beginning of your relationship? Bring that
back! Take the opportunity when you are both in bed to tell them something
funny that happened to you that day or something that’s been on your mind. Give
yourselves time together to unwind after a crazy day.
12.
Sex
Couples
that have a fulfilling sex life tend to feel closer to one another in other
parts of their relationship. Recognize that men and women have different sexual
response cycles. For men, they may want to be more intimate when they are
having sex, whereas women may be more interested in sex after intimacy has
increased in other areas. The more you show your partner how loved, valued, and
appreciated they are, the more likely they are to want to have sex with you.
Build that up throughout the day or week by sending them sexy texts, by telling
them they’re beautiful and by expressing how important they are in your life. Make
your partner feel desired! Let them know how much you enjoy having sex with
them. Have conversations about what you would like them to do to you and what
you would like to do to them. Use language like, “it feels good when…” Sex
should be fun for both of you, so be silly, laugh, enjoy yourselves and try new
things. Remember to stay in the moment. Concentrate on all of your senses – touch,
smell, taste, sound, and sight. When you are being present it can make sex more
intense. Finally, sex means something different and is different for everyone.
Try not to compare your sex life to things you see or hear about from other
people. Be free and enjoy your sexual experiences! If you want to try something
fun, create a fantasy box and write down fantasies you have. What turns you on?
What is something you find exciting? Is there a particular scene you would like
to act out? After you’ve written down your idea, put it in the fantasy box.
These should be fantasies you would like to try out and some that you think
would just be fun talking about and not actually doing. Then, sometime when you
and your partner are up for it, pull out the fantasy box and go through a
couple. You never know where things might go from there!
Please feel free to get in touch with me at Bliss Therapy if you ever need, or want more information on how to enhance your sex life!
Sincerely,
Your Bliss Sex and Relationship Specialist, Lindsay
